Too cold inside...so I went outside, got caught up in the moment & took a ride. Stopped off the corner pub to have a pint o the black stuff. Met a gangly sort o man there, an affable cat that beamed but with an air on the side of edgy reserve, it seemed. He was talking to another guy (while I was listening). & the other guy, big ol’ fat head & boastful laughter at his own jokes, spoke of how he’d hire illegals for his construction company—Anti-cacophony of narcissistic egocentricity, then turn them in to the INS the day before payday. Can you say, “No Way!”? I could see annoyance restrained but rising in the gangly guy. & I noticed myself gaining respect for him..& not wonderin' why. But I’d had my fill so I said “Adios!” to the gangly guy—I thought it fitting, but I don’t think fathead got the irony—and exited stage left. Out in the car, changing the Food in the Belly CD for TRIAGE, I saw the gangly guy leave the pub, sidle up to a pickup truck with ladder racks & a magnet sign displaying “Craddick Construction” on the doors and step-sides. With pocket stiletto in hand he slashed both passenger side tires from rim to tread. I just grinned as he walked by saying nothing. Saw him again much later that night, at a different bar, must’ve been one o those nights. He told me he’d felt he should’ve done more than slash that prick’s tires. I said, “At least you did somethin’, man, more than most.” & I bought the next round. But that was then. This is now. & I don’t get out to the bar much anymore. It’s all work & no play. The GOP has seen to that. & so the frequent flyer miles have been stacking up ..& you are disappointed & I’m just not around.

_

& then the night all hell broke loose in a no-name town. And this flight for life went down.

_

Matches in the midnight. So fucking cold! …Walls around me…black ..as throat. What a dire predicament. How could it have gone down this way? I wasn’t even supposed to be there in the room. It was a fluke. Who was that dude? All that went down must’ve been premeditated. But it all seemed so random. I wasn’t even supposed to be there in THAT room! Damnit! Now where am I? What is this cold dilemma? What if I hadn’t ran? How could I have stayed there soaked in that mess? They would’ve taken me down. They? The man. The..man. Taken me down…Would not have let me explain. Not then…not now. Oh, the mess. The smell The blood. The hell. That bastard! FUCK! ..Her…head…was gone…. I did what had to be done. ..Just meant to take him down. But the force of fear times anger & I just blacked out!

_

Now what? Deep pain in my gut. ….In left hand grasp the flint paper …rough & cardboard—good thing not wet from sweat off climbing this rock & pine ledge that half delivered me and half denied my escape—not going anywhere else with this mountain in my way; the good half that half-entered me into this snow covered cavern—this grotto from the Grand Guignol—not even an hour after that goddamned bloody calamity, is NOT going to be the death of me. Or maybe. Oh, baby. Some o that blood must’ve got on me. Some o me must be in that blood. Oh no, no, I’m so fucked. Oh, no, no, that poor girl. Why couldn’t I save her? How could I have saved her? HOW?? That fucking guy was crazed. Like some TV Guido totally out of grace with this no-name winter place to ski for those not lookin’ to party. I didn’t even see him come in, cannon in hand, & all hell broke loose then. My head was spinning, my head’s still spinning. …She was so beautiful. I’ll fucking kill ‘im! (…sigh) No chance in hell I’m killing anyone. If they find me they will think I killed the girl. …

_

The..girl. She had called my room by mistake, asked me where the party’s at. I was halfway between a good book and a bad sleep---can’t sleep in a hotel bed. Not alone anyway. But her voice was so pretty, I had to go along…see what’s what. & so we talked a little while. Next I knew I was down on the ground floor almost nearly beneath the floor of my room…dick in hand…in the head…trying to clear my head…but thinking of the bed…& her…while she poured us some wine. Like this stuff happens to me all the time. Uh...Not. & then the knock…& then the muffled scream…& then the SMACK and muffled cursing. & I started through the bathroom door…but then an explosion that chilled my blood, froze my legs in place & put my motion in absolute lockdown. The back of her head opened up and sprayed brain cranberry ALL on wall & headboard. “…Head..board,” jeez! HOW could I respond to such death blossoming? & then the slammed door. & then the panic. &…then the panic. …& then the panic. & the door slamming again as I exited the horror show that put me where I stand right now.

_

I am a desperate man. & this trip had just began to look up for me…after two months of near misses…living off the summer’s commissions. No, I could be in Fort Lauderdale with backwards neo-Christian-conservative so-called lawmakers otherwise pissing away the perfect peninsula bastion of liberal sea & fun in the sun, but, even aware of the paradise being run into the ground by the morose mill slowly killing this town & your town & every damned American town, it would still be the sun and the sea and the comforts of a depreciated beachside high-rise time share…a far cry from this icy high-rise nightmare I’m living right here right now…& without you, girl. But goddamnit I just HAD to see British Columbia for this first & only time! Had to explore the Great White North. Had to hide my self-loathing from your precious eyes. Had to mix pleasure with business for just this one time. Had to forget my promise to you, beautiful wife. Had to let my curiosity get the better of me tonight. Had to. Had to. Had to get a hole in my gut for being such a dumb shit. Naw, not me with the hole in my head. That…poor…girl. …If only I hadn’t run when I did. If only I’d have done what’s right. Turned myself in & admitted my plight. What else would any man do had he seen what I saw, had he heard her last call out!

_

Oh…Cold. …Fold out match …close cover …bend over and up like a “V” and thumb on match head… flick! STRIKE …Spark …Flash …Sulfur …Smoke …And light….

_

Still cold. And there’s my prize. My bedrock. My “rock” bed. Here is my home for the night. A cold place, but warmer in the light than in the dark. A half a mile above the park. There’s something over there to burn. …I think. I miss your lavish heart & warm smile, wife. I would not have let things go too far with that girl tonight. I only wanted to feel her feeling good. How was I to know she was a sick man’s “property”, she seemed like such a sweet sad cocktail server to me. Some lonely company is all I thought she needed—I…needed. I am sorry…for so many things. And cold. So cold. I'm alone in this. If only I’d have stayed home. &…Oooooohhh…this hindsight.

MB