The only question more popular among the Jewish people than "Have you eaten yet?" is "Yes, but is it good for the Jews?" Jews have long considered everything from current events to dinner menus to Channel 4's Christmas lineup through this essential prism. Revealed here for the first time is the ancient method by which to evaluate this burning question - the mathematical art of Judology. Think of it as the third cousin of Kabbalah.

Judology is undeniably one of western civilisation's oldest branches of the sciences. We at the Judological Institute of Spiritual Mathematics (Jism), whose international headquarters is at a secret location in Cockfosters in north London, are proud to allow readers of the Guardian this exclusive glimpse of the ancient formula - and how it works in 2006.

The calculation

Each category is marked out of 7, the mystical Kabbalistic number

Backlash (or anti-semitic potential) + Impact (on the world)

x J-factor ( or "Jewishness")

= Tzurus (Yiddish for troubles - the default position for world Jewry)

÷ Kabbalah (the mystical number 7)

= the good/not good Judology rating.

If an entry is defined as "not good" it does not necessarily mean that it is bad for the Jews. It is merely not a positive force for them.

What the scores mean

0-7: not good for the Jews

7.1-7.99: borderline, probably not good for the Jews

8-14: good for the Jews

So, for example, in the case of Easter:

Backlash 7 + impact 6.2 x j-factor 3.35 = tzurus 40.87 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 5.84

Therefore, Easter is not good for the Jews

Andrew Lloyd Webber

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat was the first musical theatre show written by the team of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. This musical retelling of the Joseph story is undoubtedly positive for the Jews and includes the following advice to Joseph from Pharaoh: "Find a man to lead you through the famine / With a flair for economic planning", which inspired a generation of accountants.

It is not this sympathetic rags-to-riches rendering of how a Jew became chief financial officer of Egypt, but Lloyd Webber's second work, Jesus Christ Superstar, that presents possible areas of concern for the Judologist. Clearly, any depiction of Judas Iscariot in mainstream culture is not great for the Jews. And do they have to go on about it? Eight performances a week, all over the world. It was 2,000 years ago.

The final nail in the coffin for the richest composer in the world must be one of his biggest successes, 1981's Cats. The lyrics were based on T S Eliot's 1939 Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, which Lloyd Webber confessed was a childhood favourite. Before January 9 2006, when Phantom of the Opera took over the mantle, Cats had been the longest-running Broadway musical, spanning a reign of more than 20 years. Eliot was a notorious anti-semite who famously said in a lecture at the University of Virginia in 1933: "Reasons of race and religion combine to make any large number of free-thinking Jews undesirable." There is also the famous line in his poem of 1920, Burbank with a Baedeker: Bleistein with a Cigar, which compares Jews to rats. Mmmm.

Backlash 4 + impact 4 x j-factor 1 = tzurus 8 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 1.14

Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals are not good for the Jews

Viagra

The Jewish attitude towards the sexual act has long been the butt of jokes. A religious couple about to marry ask their rabbi if they are allowed to dance together at weddings.

"Categorically, no," says the rabbi.

"What about sex? Are the rules as harsh once we are married?"

"You must have sex! It's a mitzvah [commandment]," the rabbi replies.

"Different positions?" they timidly ask.

"Absolutely. In fact, the Torah commands the Jewish man to pleasure the Jewish woman at all times."

"Even doggie position?"

"Whatever you want."

"Woman on top?"

"Why not?" the rabbi responds without flinching.

"Standing up?" the couple ask.

"Absolutely not!" the rabbi shouts.

"Why ever not?" the young man asks.

"It might lead to dancing," the rabbi replies.

Now that Jewish couples have had the good news that Viagra is kosher for Passover (a ruling in 1998 allowed its use after some discussion over whether the coating of the pills was non-kosher), in Israel a prescription for Viagra, according to BBC News, is issued once every minute. That rabbis encourage congregants to use the wonder drug is because procreation is good for the Jews. No surprise, then, to discover that one of the key scientists behind its invention at Pfizer was a Jew called Robert Furchgott.

As we've said, Jews and sex are strange bedfellows. There are many jokes about how rare the act is in Jewish homes, and yet the evidence is otherwise. Jews have always played a large part in the adult film industry in America. Reuben Sturman was a notorious purveyor of filth, controlling a large part of the industry in the 70s; Steven Hirsch runs the famous Vivid Entertainment Group; and Seymore Butts (Adam Glasser) owns and operates the top indie brand. These are just three Jewish pioneers in this much-maligned business. Without Viagra to encourage performers, where would this vital Jewish business be?

Before you rush out to order a dozen more packets of Viagra, please remember there are side-effects. Priapism, or constant erection, is not so funny. Nor is diarrhoea. Do not take on the eve of the Day of Judgment.

Backlash 3.2 + impact 6.9 x j-factor 6 = tzurus 60.6 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 8.7

Viagra is good for the Jews

Nigella Lawson

Anyone who describes a simple raspberry as "slut-red" is welcome in my house. Nigella, with her feminised father's name, is perhaps the ultimate Jewish fantasy figure. To women, she is an intelligent, sensual woman who enjoys her curves. To men she is an intelligent, sensual women whose curves you want to enjoy.

Nigella's Jewishness is not necessarily central to her cooking. However, she does like to mix and match. It is not uncommon to see her licking her lips erotically while pummelling gefilte fish into shape. The question on Judologists' minds must be: what effect does this siren of the stove have on the Jewish psyche? Is she the ultimate balebooste - hostess - with the tzimmis always simmering at the ready? Or is she the Lilith of the latkes, ready to pour bread sauce over your vermicelli? Is she Golda from Fiddler on the Roof, or Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct?

Well, she does cook Jewish dishes, but has been known to recommend them after seriously non-kosher fare. For example, her wonderful lokshen pudding, the recipe for which appears in Feast, is recommended to follow roast loin pork. Like Moses, she leads you to the Promised Land, but won't take you there. She has also been known to say, "Christmas isn't complete if you haven't got a ham as well as a turkey." Boy, does she know how to drive a young Jewish boy mad.

Backlash 4.25 + impact 5.75 x j-factor 6.9 = tzurus 69 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 9.85

Nigella is good for the Jews

The moustache

Can moustaches be good for the Jews? The small box-shaped 'tache was made famous by Adolf Hitler yet ridiculed in the same era by Charlie Chaplin. The pleasure one derives from defacing a famous politician's visage on a poster by drawing a "Hitler moustache" must also not be underestimated.

Another famous moustache-wearer was Joseph Stalin, whose moustache was large and walrus-like but well kempt, rather like that of a modern-day tyrant, Saddam Hussein. The moustache choice of these brutal megalomaniacs cannot be seen as proof of anti- semitism, however: the walrus look was also used by Albert Einstein. Although Professor Einstein turned down the job of president of the state of Israel, his moustache was not part of the decision.

At least he bothered to grow his own walrus, which is more than can be said of Groucho Marx, who sprayed his on. He did go on to grow one for real in his dotage, but the damage had been done.

Does a beard diminish the power of the moustache? When Saddam was discovered in a hole after losing the second Gulf war, what shocked the world was not so much his thin, gaunt expression as his unbearable hirsuteness. In fact, he looked like a Sephardic rabbi after Yom Kippur. He continued to sport the beard/moustache combo in captivity and perhaps sealed his fate.

There are countless other world leaders, who have affected Jewish life, who have unashamedly sported moustaches. Lech Walesa, Marshal Pétain, Golda Meir, to name but a few. Neville Chamberlain, the British prime minister who limited immigration of Jews to Palestine in the 1930s and did a deal with Hitler in 1938, provides a good example of a natural-looking moustache that had dire effects on world Jewry.

Perhaps the most famous facial hair in history, however, was that of Esau in the Bible, who was the victim of a double theft by his twin brother - his birthright and father's blessing - and then as victim of this hostile takeover was forced to accept the accession of Jacob as Father of the Jewish Nation.

Facial hair does not seem to get you far.

Backlash 4 + impact 5 x j-factor 4 = tzurus 36 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 5.14

The moustache is not good for the Jews

Eurovision Song Contest

Jews everywhere take serious note of Eurovision, not necessarily because of their appreciation of the art of the pop song, but because it provides a good gauge of international feelings towards Israel.

The elaborate voting system involves each nation assigning points to its favourite 10 entries. Until recently votes were decided by small juries in each country; now national telephone polls are held during the live broadcast in order to determine scores. Countries are not allowed to vote for themselves. Hence the Jewish obsession with this competition. Ever since Israel joined Eurovision in 1973, "Oohs" and "Aahs" and "I told you sos" have been heard in households throughout Europe when Lithuania, Austria or Poland snub the Israeli entry.

(Other countries suffer, too, of course. The UK's 2003 act Jemini did not receive a single point from any European country, which was interpreted as an expression of anger at the war in Iraq. Cyprus and Greece always give each other maximum points regardless of the dreck offered up. They never vote for Turkey.)

Israel being part of Europe may be news to most people, but since they have won three times, we should let this drop. These Jewish heroes were: Alpha Beta (1978); Milk and Honey - geddit? (1979); transvestite and gay icon Dana International (1998).

Some might argue that the mighty Israel, feared in the Middle East, might not be best represented by a man who wears dresses and a group of terrible perms. However, to be invited to any party these days is a blessing.

Backlash 5.45 + impact 5.56 x j-factor 5.45 = tzurus 60 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 8.57

The Eurovision Song Contest is good for the Jews

Madonna

Madonna is the most famous member of the Kabbalah Centre, where she studies arcane works of Jewish mysticism that were first set down in the Middle Ages and collected in 13th-century Spain. She adopted a Hebrew name - Esther - but she was born a Catholic, and many Orthodox Jews believe a non-Jew has no place studying Kabbalah. Strictly speaking, it is forbidden for non-Jews, women and all men under the age of 40 to learn Kabbalah.

Kabbalah is regarded by some as the highest form of Judaism, and those who practise it need to be extremely spiritual, modest and wise, surrounding themselves with holiness and purity. Madonna's hit song Like a Virgin (1984) is a strong positive signal in this direction, but unfortunately Hanky Panky (in the film Dick Tracy, 1990) may have damaged her case.

Kabbalah means "that which is received". Its theoretical content is regarded as profound, if esoteric, but its practical applications border on the magical. Even very observant Jews seldom dip in.

The word Madonna has seven letters. As we've seen, the number seven has special spiritual significance in Judology. There are seven days of the week; Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah occur in the seventh month of the Hebrew calendar; there are seven Laws of Noah; the Torah begins with a verse containing seven words; when a close relative dies, we sit shiva for seven days; Moses was the seventh generation after Abraham; God created seven levels of heaven (hence the expression, "I'm in seventh heaven!"); the world has seven continents. Think about it: coincidence?

The other argument is that she kissed a black Jesus surrounded by burning crosses. That is chutzpah.

Backlash 5.56 + impact 3.15 x j-factor 2.89 = tzurus 25.17 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 3.59

Madonna is not good for the Jews

Star Trek

Though created by a non-Jew, Star Trek contains many Jewish components and themes. Aside from the obvious - USS Enterprise is hardly the name of a non-Jewish space ship, is it? - several key cast members were Jewish. William Shatner (Captain Kirk), Leonard Nimoy (Spock) and Walter Koenig (Chekhov) were all Jews. Spock's Vulcan greeting was invented by Leonard Nimoy and was based on his memories of shul, when he was asked to perform the ritual blessing of the Kohanim (the priests) and learned the secret sign. (Some Trekkies believe that the movie The Wrath of Khan had its title changed by Nimoy from The Wrath of Kohen.) Other obvious parallels between Vulcans and Jews: big ears instead of big noses; great powers of assimilation, though outsiders (aliens, in fact); both peoples are very brainy and good at chess.

Spock was, of course, only half Vulcan - his father was Vulcan and his mother was human. Unlike Orthodox Jewish culture, Vulcan culture is not strictly matrilineal, and Spock considered himself Vulcan even though his mother wasn't one. There is no evidence as to whether Spock had trouble getting his children into the best Vulcan faith schools as a result of this, but there is considerable proof to support the argument that Spock's parents were not frum Vulcans.

The one strange anomaly is that the doctor, Bones McCoy, was not Jewish. Whoever heard of a non-Jewish doctor?

Backlash 4 + impact 6 x j-factor 6 = tzurus 60 ÷ kabbalah 7 = 8.57

Star Trek is good for the Jews

© Johnny Geller 2006.