Trump: Hi Vlad, it's Don.

Putin: Yes, Donny.

Trump: So, we have a little problem.

Putin: I have no problems at all, Donny, my day is wonderful.

Trump: OK, well, I have a problem.

Putin: What problem could there be, you ask me for help, I give you help. All is good.

Trump: Yes, you are always very good to me which is why, you know, I just gave you Syria and made the United States look horrible again just like you told me I should. I do my best for you but you know those two guys you sent me to help on the Ukraine thing?

Putin: Da, I mean yes. 

Trump: Well, they've been arrested. 

Putin: This is unfortunate, Donny. 

Trump: Well, I was hoping you could help me with that, I mean I did give you Syria, right, and I am doing all I can to give you back Ukraine, and get rid of all the sanctions but, you know, I can't do the kind of things you can do in your country. 

Putin: Get to point, Donny, I am going for massage in 2 minutes. 

Trump: Well, can you kill them for me?

Putin: Kill who, what are you asking me, Donny?

Trump: Kill the two guys you sent me to help with Ukraine before they say anything about what we were doing. 

Putin: Well...

Trump: And can you kill Rudy too?

Putin: Donny, you know we can't have talks like this on phone.

Trump: No, it's alright I am putting all the transcripts of these calls into that top secret computer thing like you told me. So, nobody can see them, there is just the other people listening on the line but couldn't you kill them too?

Putin: Donny, I have to go now. 

(there is a click and silence on the line)

Trump: Vlad? Vlad? Vlad, are you there? Fuck. Can someone contact Mike Flynn and ask him if I give him a pardon if he would kill those two Russian goons for me? Also bring in Pompeo I'd like to ask him to take Rudy on a special trip. Is Barr back, I just want to ask him again about that "If the president does it, it is not illegal." thing.