when I get bored of american politics....
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#¤%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#¤% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#¤%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#¤%ing Indians come from?" - Custer,
1877
6th - "It does so @#¤%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the @#¤% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#¤%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#¤% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#¤%ing hole in the head!"
JFK,1963
1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#¤% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton
1997
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "kay." He sleeps for half an hour,awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell
me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, was with his friends, hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Not wanting to get in trouble, he said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." The next day she ran into one of his buddies on the street. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish....................49
Adventurous...............Slept with all your mates
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking...........Has a face like an ar$e
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure........On medication
Feminist..................Fat
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first..........Former $lut
Fun.......................Annoying
Gentle....................Dull
Good Listener.............Autistic
New-Age...................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned.............No BJs
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing..................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet......................Depressive
Professional..............Bi*ch
Romantic..................Frigid
Voluptuous................Very Fat
Large lady................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate............Stalker
Widow.....................Murderer
