A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones of > Monty Python. > > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Monty Python. > > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Monty Python. > > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Letter to the Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > Sunday January 26, 2003 > The Observer > The Observer > The Observer >

> For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr > Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. > Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. > They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson > is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't > been able to discover what. > > I've been round to his place a few times to see what > he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's > how devious he is. > > As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - > from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass > Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that > if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. > > Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why > don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. > The police will say that they need evidence of > a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll > come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the > rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the > while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do > terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly > murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street > with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's > up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's > been a little difficult. > > Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that > all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can > wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr > Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the > only way to bring about international peace and > security. The one certain way to stop Muslim > fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the > UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never > threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's > garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! > That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in > peace and stop peering at me in that totally > unacceptable way. > > Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know > before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man > and that he has weapons of mass destruction - > even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as > much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and > children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. > > Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer > place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. > It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you > ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know > when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single > terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a > terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What > about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really > want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, > being suicide bombers, have already eliminated > themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone > who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he > can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every > Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate > Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only > really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to > eliminate all Muslims? > > It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel > are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of > other people in the street who I don't like and > who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one > will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My > wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm > simply using the same logic as the President of the > United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run > out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for > the President, it's good enough for me. > > I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 > days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens > and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and > interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they > don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm > going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. > It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing > - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy > will destroy only one street. > > > Don't seek to follow in the footsteps of the masters. > Seek what they sought. > -Matsuo Basko >