SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT - GOVERNMENTIUM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
    heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
    "Governmentium."
Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
    neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass 
    of
    311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which 
    are
    surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
    detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into 
    contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 
    days
    to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but
    instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
    neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
    each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
    isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe
    that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity 
    in
    concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
    element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many
    peons but twice as many morons.