He’s resting his entire campaign on his so-called heroics in the Revolutionary War, and his famous Delaware River crossing.

His campaign wagons about a handful of Revolutionary veterans throughout the 13 States, and trots them out at public appearances to sing his praises. George Washington wants us to believe that these men represent all those he calls his "rowboat band of brothers."

But if bother you ask his boat mates, they’ll tell you. The truth is, the man is unfit for command, and as president he would quite literally leave our young nation up the creek, without a paddle.

Speaking of “no paddles”, look closely at this famous picture of a paddle-free G.W. relaxing while his comrades do all the rowing.

Rowboat Vets for Truth is here to share the real story, to correct the misleading use of our images, against our will, in paintings, woodcuts and pamphlets across the colonies.

The Rowboat Vets for Truth will counter the outrageous claims made by Mr. Washington and the liberal printing presses in Boston and Philadelphia.

We speak from personal experience - our group includes men who served beside Washington in combat against unarmed Germans on Christmas night, 1776. Though we come from different backgrounds, shoe menders, haberdashers, stable boys, candle holders to the wealthy. etc., and hold varying political opinions, we agree on one thing: George Washington lacks the potential to lead.

We regret the need to do this. Well, sorta. For a long time, most Revolutionary veterans kept silent. However, now that a key creator of that poisonous image is seeking the Presidency we have resolved to end our silence.

It's time to set the record straight.

From Mad Magazine:

and finally something non-political -

Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: My ice cream, it’s locked in the car, and it’s melting.

OnStar: Your ice cream is melting?

Customer: Yes, please hurry! It’s like 200 degrees in there!

OnStar: What kind of ice cream is it, ma’am?

Customer: Rocky road!

OnStar: I’m unlocking the vehicle now, ma’am.

Customer: Hurry! My three-year-old is in the car, too! I’m worried he’s going to eat the ice cream! I don’t want him to get fat! That would reflect poorly on my parenting skills!

OnStar: OK, the vehicle should be unlocked now, ma’am, and I’m just going to go ahead and notify child protective services right now, too.

Customer: Oh my God! Damn it! God!

OnStar: Ma’am? Ma’am? Is everything all right? Should I dispatch an ambulance?

Customer: Ambulance? No, but I could use a Good Humor man, this shit’s totally cashed.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.

OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.

Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!

OnStar: Are you OK, sir?

Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?

OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.

Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.

OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hi, I have a problem.

OnStar: How can I help, sir?

Customer: I’m…umm…27, and still a virgin.

OnStar: How old are you really, sir?

Customer: Twenty-nine?

OnStar: Sir?

Customer: Thirty-six.

OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy shit!

Customer: [muffled crying]

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer: Yes.

OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?

Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.

OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?

Customer: Both. [weeping]

OnStar: And how often do you masturbate?

Customer: What? Never!

OnStar: Sir.

Customer: Three times a day.

OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?

Customer: How did you know?

OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think we’re just about at a solution. What I’m seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?

Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be…

OnStar: Sounds good. We’ll forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a “Miss Star.” She’ll be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. She’ll take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.

Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!

OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: OnStar, let me explain the situation. I gotta truck filled with 400 cases of illegal Coors beer that I gotta have in Atlanta, Ga., in four hours, and I’m running solo with a smokey on my tail! What in the hell am I gonna do?

OnStar: Uh… Snowman?

Customer: You know it, Bandit good buddy! So are we gonna hit this thing or what?

OnStar: Yee-hah!