I am also fairly certain Bill O'Reilly did not write this:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

>Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's dad made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a we can't find Bin Laden diversion.

>Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

>A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

>Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

>The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

>If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

>Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

>HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

>Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

>A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

>Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

>The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

>Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

>You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

>What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.