The following is the "first final" list of events for the
Republican National Convention in New York City,
August 30 to September 2, 2004.
AUG 30
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being
flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will
enjoy it a little too much.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
. LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of
(and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been
Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal
Cysts,
Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents.
(Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)
. ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT
OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS!
(Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
. DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid
$1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills, 20s or less)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!"
Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental
Appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible
courage
to allow
"deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic.
(Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT --
"GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD)
(Sponsored by Pfizer)
AUG 31
. 6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H.
Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the
man
who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this
country
into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short,
upbeat
presentation on Islam, called "My God can Beat Up Your God."
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
. WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle
out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers. (tentative)
(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
. DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or
possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on
how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you
from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable
of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly
brought in from 3rd world country)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces
American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons,
and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary.
(Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve
200
out-sourced "consultants," will take one week and will be entirely
funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.)
(Sponsored by Halliburton)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH
"Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma!
(sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)
SEP 1
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL
who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm)
and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an
eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-
Christian,
non-heterosexual non-Republicans.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
. THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS
(AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in
thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts.
(Sponsored by Gulfstream)
. ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a
special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL
ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH
51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will
certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will
deny
fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to
Jamaica.
(Sponsored by Diebold)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH
"Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEP 2 (nomination night)
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT,
who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the
ceremonial "TORCH
OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine
Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce
and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL
IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG
RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre.
(Sponsored by NRA)
. PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing
on Osama's dead body.
[FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:
"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The
Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom
Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!"]
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
. "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!"
(Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)
. RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
. BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD,
AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
. SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE
A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM
ON CANAPES.
(sponsored by KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ Sauce)
Peek At Rebublican Convention
blockdog
location: Land of Confusion
listening to: Jeff Black - Honey & Salt
registered: 2004.04.04
posts: 2185
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blockdog
(view)
The following is the "first final" list of events for the
Republican National Convention in New York City,
August 30 to September 2, 2004.
AUG 30
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being
flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will
enjoy it a little too much.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
. LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of
(and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been
Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal
Cysts,
Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents.
(Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)
. ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT
OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS!
(Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
. DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid
$1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills, 20s or less)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!"
Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental
Appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible
courage
to allow
"deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic.
(Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT --
"GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD)
(Sponsored by Pfizer)
AUG 31
. 6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H.
Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the
man
who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this
country
into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short,
upbeat
presentation on Islam, called "My God can Beat Up Your God."
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
. WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle
out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers. (tentative)
(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
. DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or
possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on
how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you
from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable
of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly
brought in from 3rd world country)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces
American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons,
and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary.
(Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve
200
out-sourced "consultants," will take one week and will be entirely
funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.)
(Sponsored by Halliburton)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH
"Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma!
(sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)
SEP 1
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL
who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm)
and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an
eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-
Christian,
non-heterosexual non-Republicans.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
. THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS
(AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in
thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts.
(Sponsored by Gulfstream)
. ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a
special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL
ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH
51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will
certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will
deny
fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to
Jamaica.
(Sponsored by Diebold)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH
"Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEP 2 (nomination night)
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT,
who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the
ceremonial "TORCH
OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine
Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce
and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL
IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG
RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre.
(Sponsored by NRA)
. PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing
on Osama's dead body.
[FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:
"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The
Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom
Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!"]
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
. "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!"
(Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)
. RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
. BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD,
AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
. SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE
A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM
ON CANAPES.
(sponsored by KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ Sauce)
Republican National Convention in New York City,
August 30 to September 2, 2004.
AUG 30
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being
flogged with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will
enjoy it a little too much.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
. LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of
(and Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been
Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal
Cysts,
Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents.
(Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)
. ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT
OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS!
(Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
. DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid
$1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills, 20s or less)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!"
Stirring fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental
Appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the incredible
courage
to allow
"deep cleaning" of gums without anesthetic.
(Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT --
"GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster" LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD)
(Sponsored by Pfizer)
AUG 31
. 6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H.
Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the
man
who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this
country
into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short,
upbeat
presentation on Islam, called "My God can Beat Up Your God."
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
. WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle
out of Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers. (tentative)
(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
. DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or
possibly an Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on
how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you
from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable
of being bribed to do this - may need professional actor, possibly
brought in from 3rd world country)
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces
American plans to invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons,
and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary.
(Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve
200
out-sourced "consultants," will take one week and will be entirely
funded by pocket change found in a White House couch.)
(Sponsored by Halliburton)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH
"Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!" Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma!
(sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)
SEP 1
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL
who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm)
and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an
eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-
Christian,
non-heterosexual non-Republicans.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
. THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS
(AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in
thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts.
(Sponsored by Gulfstream)
. ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a
special TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL
ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH
51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will
certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will
deny
fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to
Jamaica.
(Sponsored by Diebold)
. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH
"Kicker" LIMBAUGH (sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEP 2 (nomination night)
. 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT,
who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the
ceremonial "TORCH
OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine
Red, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce
and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL
IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG
RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre.
(Sponsored by NRA)
. PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing
on Osama's dead body.
[FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:
"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The
Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom
Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers
Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut
9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut
Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things
are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!"]
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
. "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!"
(Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)
. RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
. BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD,
AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
. SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE
A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM
ON CANAPES.
(sponsored by KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ Sauce)
