Dear Kyle,

            It's been quite a while since we've heard from you and as you can see, you've been missed. We have other Canadians on the board here but none like you.

     For example we have Gene. Sure he seems sweet and harmless right...but honestly, if there ever was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde character he's the man. You see, it's become clear to us all that Gene has a laboratory in his residence where he spends the majority of his time. Of course, he pipes in endless hours of Gordon Lightfoot and Bruce Cockburn to entertain himself as he watches his potions bubble and smoke. I'm sure all the hours of "Gord" would have a hostile effect on anyone's state of well being.

You know you can only take so much of his droning on and on about the glory of Canada and how your politicians north of the border are all regular Mick Jagger-like swingers. Like, us Americans you know we're all uptight and armed...hiding in the basements of our churches pounding on the bible while we practice how to load our AK-47 Russian assault rifles just because we can, right!

Then he starts with this Eau de Vie stuff...oh you know, like some Canadian maple-freakin-syrup bong water is better than anything ol' Jack Daniels could dream up. And even worse than that he starts spreading rumors about something called a "Montreal Bagel"...which I'm pretty sure is nothing more than his way of expressing what you'd find in the clubs on St. Catherine's street. Sure, I called him on it...politely asked him what a "Montreal Bagel" was but did he answer me? Of course not, just acted as if I didn't exist!

See, this is why you gotta come back man! We need you! Hell, your country needs you! I mean, if Gene is gonna be the only Canadian to represent on the board...I mean hell...what are people gonna think? My mother is Canadian for Chirst's sake! We can't have people thinking this Charles Bukowski quoting, absinthe swilling (I know he holds a grudge against me for steering him the wrong way on that shit but I told him it wasn't great stuff...it was all about the show), Gord loving, Godless heathen that thinks marriage is a bad idea is a typical Canadian! Sure, the women like him with all his free love talk, guitar pickin', and his French Canadian accent, eh!  Comes on like some cross between Austin Powers and Leo Kottke.

 Ok, so I know the board's been pretty boring of late...or maybe for quite a while. All this American political talk has frightened off all of our league of nations members...you know, I hate myself for adding to it...I mean Kathryn down in Australia is a wonderful sweet woman and she has to endure this nonsense all the time. And you know Mick...well sure he's 3 feet tall with big hairy feet and he always stinks of smoked flounder but he's a good man...or umm...Hobbit...and I like him...and he's not the type to beg but he's been reduced to that to try to get me to stop making political posts. Of course the Swedes are all gone they'd had enough and the French were offended and left. I think there's some folks from Iceland that stop by to laugh at us and the occasional Norwegian. We've lost our edge and sense of perspective because as usual the Americans here bomb the board with their own political gripes driving off the others. We are kind of a model of George Bush's fake coalition...we've got one Australian and a couple of Canadians and maybe one Norwegian that we have a hard time finding.

Really, I've come to the conclusion I'm more of a problem to the board than anything else. I just found out that Pat thought our buddy Peter was really a Communist because of me. Dale, I guess, had to square him away on that. Now, I was only kidding about the Commie stuff but look what I caused.

 See, you always had a positive effect. Hell, you even brought Dale back to the board. Dale, to bring you up to date, had a sort of Monty Python moment on the board here. Ever seen "Monty Python and The Holy Grail"? You know the scene where they dress the woman up as a witch and try and convince the guy in charge to burn her? Well, pretty much they dressed Dale up as a witch (in a t-shirt that said "I hate Homo's") and tryed to burn him. Needless to say, Dale took a vacation from our little village after his close call with the local lynch mob's torches.

You brought him back though man and that's really what we're all about around here. It's about unity. Stickin' together. Ridin' out the storm. We're with you brother. Always know you're not alone. There are people here that care. They might have a funny way of showing it but deep down...there's something bigger than all of us that ties us together.

We were all meant to meet. If only to let Mick know he needs to shave his feet and do something about that smell.

So be good, get well, and come back as soon as you can. I miss you bro' and I need someone to tell me just what the hell a "Montreal Bagel" is. Gene's always screwing with me.

      Your brother in Baerwaldland,                            

                                                              Reg